The Love Prescription
Seven Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy
By John Gottman & Julie Schwartz Gottman
Category: Communication Skills | Reading Duration: 18 min | Rating: 4.6/5 (369 ratings)
About the Book
The Love Prescription (2022) is a practical guide to creating more intimacy and connection in romantic relationships. Based on 40 years of research, the authors offer simple actionable advice that will help couples in any phase of their relationship.
Who Should Read This?
- Busy people struggling to find time for their relationship
- Couples who feel the spark has gone
- Anyone who wants to know how to make love last
What’s in it for me? Demystify long-term love.
Love is a mystery. Some couples stay happily married for decades, while others call it quits as soon as the honeymoon is over. Who knows why? Well, John and Julie Gottman do.
Not only from their own experience as a married couple, but also from their long careers as psychologists, researchers, and therapists. In 1990 they even set up the “Love Lab” in Seattle. Over the years, the Gottmans have studied the behavior of countless couples in order to understand exactly what makes love last. And here’s what they found. Love isn’t that mysterious after all. It’s not just a feeling but an action.
Love is a practice that anyone can get better at, starting right now. So, whether you’re in the honeymoon phase of a new relationship or you’ve been married for years, you can learn something from the Gottmans. They know exactly what to do to make a relationship not just last, but thrive. In this Blink, we’ll cover some of their simple, actionable tips, which are all backed up by scientific research. Think of this advice as a prescription from the doctor. The Gottmans are the love experts and they have the cure for dissatisfied couples.
It’s never too late to improve your relationship. But there’s no time like the present . . . so let’s get started.
Chapter 1: Look for small moments to connect.
Here’s something you’ve probably heard before – “Find ways to connect with your partner. ” Standard advice, right? But maybe easier said than done. Perhaps you can relate to Jeremy and Alison who came to a couples retreat organized by the Gottmans.
They knew they had to fix their relationship, but they were completely burned-out. This was in the middle of the COVID-19 pandemic. Jeremy and Alison were both working from home while trying to supervise their young children as they studied remotely. “When do the two of you have opportunities to connect? ” the Gottmans asked. Jeremy and Alison blinked, incredulous.
There weren’t any opportunities. They just didn’t have the time to connect with each other. That’s how many couples feel. But actually, it’s not true. There are countless opportunities for meaningful connection throughout the day. We just have to spot them.
The Gottmans call these opportunities “bids for connection. ” A bid for connection might be something really subtle. For example, when your partner sighs. Maybe that’s an invitation to ask, What’s wrong? When your partner makes a bid for connection, you have three options. You can turn toward the bid, responding positively.
You can turn away, not reacting at all. Or you can turn against, responding negatively. Picture this. You’re sitting next to your partner, who’s scrolling through articles on their phone. “Hey,” says your partner. “This is interesting.
” That casual remark is a bid for connection. So how are you going to react? You could easily ignore the bid, or say something like “Not now – I’m in the middle of work. ” Or, you could turn toward the bid. Look at your partner and ask, “What’s the article about? ” Of course, it’s difficult to respond in the right way every single time.
But you should try to turn toward your partner’s bids for connection as much as possible. Because here’s the thing. Over time, these moments add up. How you respond to your partner can make or break the relationship.
Chapter 2: Ask the big questions.
Another way to connect to your partner is by asking questions. Think back for a moment and try to remember what it was like when the two of you first started dating. You were probably fascinated by each other, asking a million questions. It’s thrilling getting to know the person you could potentially spend the rest of your life with.
But at some point down the road, the questions tend to dry up. Your partner is no longer quite so fascinating, because, well . . . you know them! According to the Gottmans, however, curiosity is essential in long-term relationships.
Keep asking each other questions. So what kinds of questions are we talking about? Not, Did you remember to call the plumber? That’s unlikely to deepen your connection with your partner. Instead, try asking big, open-ended questions. It can be something serious, like, What’s one of your life dreams at the moment?
Or it can be fun, perhaps, If you could design our perfect house, what would it be like? Go ahead, try it today. Think of an interesting, open-ended question and ask your partner. If it’s a question that requires some time to discuss, pick a moment when you’re both more relaxed, like over dinner. You can also involve friends and family in the discussion – it doesn’t have to be a one-on-one conversation. Another way to make it less awkward is to ask the question when you’re walking somewhere together, maybe on a hike.
For some reason, moving your body can help the conversation to flow. Try to make a habit of asking these questions. You might be surprised by the answers you get, and realize that you don’t know your partner quite as well as you thought. After all, it’s a mistake to think we ever truly know a person inside out – even after living with them for decades. So ask a question, and continue the never-ending process of getting to know your partner.
Chapter 3: Say thank you.
Your partner is a fascinating, complex, unique individual who deserves to be treated as such. Having said that, some things are simple and universal. For instance, everyone likes to feel appreciated. You, your partner, and the rest of the world.
Luckily, making someone feel appreciated is pretty simple. Here’s an example of how two little words can make all the difference. Joel and David came to the Gottmans because they were stuck. The couple was trapped in a pattern of negativity, resentment, and criticism. Both felt that it was impossible to satisfy the other. But one day, something changed.
When Joel and David came to their next counseling session, they seemed relaxed and happy. They were even sitting closer together on the couch. “What’s changed? ” asked the Gottmans. With a shrug and a smile, Joel replied, “David thanked me for making the coffee. ” The simple act of saying “thank you” had created a powerful shift in the couple.
As well as feeling more appreciated by each other, Joel and David were also starting to focus on the positive things about the other person. Criticizing comes naturally to us as the human brain is hardwired to look for problems. But through practice and over time, you can reprogram your brain to look for the positives instead. Make a point of really observing your partner’s behavior, noticing all the good, helpful things they do over the course of the day. It may surprise you just how much they do, from quickly tidying up the kitchen to helping your child get ready for school. And when you notice these positive things, don’t stay silent.
Communicate your gratitude to your partner. Get into the habit of saying “thank you” even for the most ordinary, routine things. By thanking your partner regularly, you’re helping to create a culture of appreciation in your relationship. It’s a straightforward, simple way to create the foundation for lasting love.
Chapter 4: Give genuine compliments.
Saying “thank you” is one way to express your appreciation. Here’s something else you can do that’s just as easy: give your partner a compliment. Again, like some of the other things we’ve looked at so far, it may sound a bit obvious. Maybe you already compliment your partner, or you know you should do it more often.
But have you ever considered what kinds of compliments help to strengthen relationships? According to the Gottmans, you should give your partner a genuine compliment not for what they do, but for who they are. For their personality. If giving compliments doesn’t come naturally to you, try this exercise. First, think of some positive adjectives that describe your partner’s qualities. For example, generous, funny, sensitive, or creative.
Then, when you’re with your partner, observe them closely. Look out for a moment when they’re demonstrating one of those qualities you love. And then . . . tell them.
With words. I love how generous you are. Or, I really admire your creativity. If saying it out loud is too daunting, you could try writing the compliment instead. Write down an example of a time when your partner was generous, for instance, and how much you appreciated it. Then share what you’ve written.
It’s amazing how this simple exercise can reignite the spark. And in general, don’t underestimate the importance of being nice to each other. It really matters. Here’s a good example. The Gottmans did a long-term study of many different couples, examining the ratio of positive to negative interactions in the relationship. They wanted to know the minimum amount of positive interactions needed, compared to negative ones.
The answer? Twenty to one. In a romantic relationship, you need twenty positive interactions for every negative one. So, it’s time for a compliment.
Do it right now, if you like. Tell your partner exactly what you love about them. Give them a compliment not for their clothes or their cooking, but for who they are.
Chapter 5: Tell your partner what you need.
By this point, you’re probably noticing some themes emerging. The importance of actions, for example, and clear communication. Your partner has all kinds of wonderful qualities, but you know what they’re not? A mind reader.
They don’t know what you’re thinking, or what you need right now. All too often, tension is caused by miscommunication. A person drops hints and then gets resentful when their partner fails to fulfill their needs. But how can you fulfill someone’s needs if you don’t even know what they are? Unfortunately, many of us are pretty bad at expressing our needs. Maybe it’s something to do with the way we’ve been brought up.
Men often suppress their needs because they’ve been taught that their role is to be strong providers. They feel they can’t ask for help. Women, on the other hand, are generally trained to put the needs of others first. In a happy, healthy relationship, you should be able to express your needs directly and without turning them into criticism. If you need a hand with the cleaning, for example, telling your partner, “You never clean! ” isn’t the way to go about it.
So, what should you say instead? Luckily, the Gottmans have a template you can use for expressing your needs effectively. First, remember that you’re talking about you and your needs. Your partner isn’t the focus here. During the conversation, describe the situation that you want to change. Keep it focused on the situation and how you feel about it.
For instance, if the issue is the state of the kitchen, say something like, The kitchen is really messy, and I feel overwhelmed. Then, clearly express your positive need. Be specific. In the kitchen example, you could say, Please could you help me by doing the dishes? That’s how to communicate your needs without criticizing, and without expecting your partner to be telepathic. Simply explain your feelings about the situation, and tell them how they can help you.
Chapter 6: Touch your partner.
So far we’ve only been focusing on verbal communication. You may be wondering, What about the physical side of a relationship? And yes, that matters too. Touch is incredibly important for all of us.
You see, physical intimacy is like a drug. A kiss or a hug releases the hormone oxytocin, which is good for us in so many ways. It reduces stress and lowers blood pressure. And, of course, it also helps us to feel connected to the other person. We can all benefit from physical contact. But it’s worth acknowledging that it isn’t exactly the same for everyone.
A person’s upbringing or past experiences might affect their attitude to touch. Culture plays a part too. In the 1960s, the researcher Sidney Jourard carried out the “coffee house” study. Jourard went to cafés in different cities around the world and watched the behavior of couples, counting how many times they touched each other. He also counted subtle touches, like the man stroking the woman’s back, or the couple’s knees leaning together. There were some striking differences between different cities and cultures.
On average, Parisian couples touched each other more than 100 times an hour. In London . . . zero. Yes, zero touching.
Some cultures seem to have a touch taboo. So keep in mind that you and your partner may have different preferences when it comes to physical contact. If in doubt, discuss it with them. What do they feel comfortable with? Once you’ve established that, the Gottmans recommend looking for touch opportunities. Whenever you have the chance, hug your partner for at least 20 seconds – that’s how long it takes for the oxytocin to work.
Kissing feels pretty great too, of course. But there are also other, less obvious ways to touch each other, which can still produce a nice boost of oxytocin. For example, when you’re sitting next to your partner on the couch, put an arm around them. Or touch feet under the dinner table. Touch should be a frequent, everyday thing – not something that’s reserved for sex or special occasions. Speaking of which .
. . when was the last time the two of you went on a date?
Chapter 7: Have regular date nights.
In a long-term relationship, it’s easy to forget about date nights. You’re probably too busy or tired to go out, or maybe money is an issue. Having fun isn’t a priority. But it should be.
Regular date nights should be nonnegotiable. In fact, the Gottmans say it’s something they would prescribe if they could: “Do something fun with your partner! ” Because that’s what we’re talking about, really – fun. Having fun together as a couple is so important. More often than not, complaints about lack of sex in a relationship are really about a lack of fun and adventure. So to reignite the spark and enjoy each other’s company once more, try going on a date.
It doesn’t have to be a candlelit dinner in a fancy restaurant. It doesn’t have to take much time, or even cost money. In fact, you don’t even need to leave the house. During the pandemic, one couple, Vanessa and Carlos, got creative. They had date nights in the backyard, roasting marshmallows over the fire with their kids. Then, once the kids were in bed, Vanessa and Carlos went back outside to sit by the fire, talking and drinking wine.
Committing to date nights wasn’t always easy. Both of them worked and they were often tired and stressed. But they realized how important it was to prioritize their relationship. In Vanessa’s words: “Life was stressful. Something had to give. And I decided that it wasn’t going to be our marriage.
” So, if you want a happy, lasting relationship, keep dating. Make a pact with your partner to have regular date nights, no matter what. If you like, you could even ask them out right now. Start making plans for your next date.
You don’t need to worry too much about the details. All that matters is that you’re spending some quality time together – just the two of you – without screens or other distractions. Make time for your relationship. Those are the doctor’s orders.
Final summary
Love is more than just a feeling. It’s a choice you make moment by moment, day after day. Whatever the state of your relationship, and no matter how long you’ve been together, you can always find ways to create more connection and intimacy. Sometimes, it’s as simple as asking your partner a question or putting your arm around them.
Over time, these small actions add up, determining the happiness and longevity of a relationship. Actionable advice: Check in for 10 minutes. Each day, choose a time to check in with your partner for 10 minutes. It might be over coffee in the morning, or at night after the kids are in bed.
Whenever you do it, spend these 10 minutes focused on each other. Ask your partner, “Is there anything you need from me today? ” And then do everything you can to help them with their request. It’s a powerful, simple way to build trust and connection.
About the Author
The Gottmans are a married couple who both work as psychologists. John Gottman is a renowned expert on marital stability who’s written more than 40 books, including the best seller The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.