The Daily Dad

366 Meditations on Parenting, Love, and Raising Great Kids

By Ryan Holiday

Category: Parenting | Reading Duration: 16 min | Rating: 4.6/5 (195 ratings)

About the Book

The Daily Dad (2023) is a philosophical meditation on the roles and responsibilities of parents. Presented as short passages to be consumed one day at a time, it draws on the author’s experiences of fatherhood, as well as the writings of history's greatest thinkers – from Plato to Bruce Springsteen. Whether you’re an expecting new parent or already living with a full nest, this wisdom and practical advice is timeless and applicable to all.

Who Should Read This?

• New parents looking to cultivate a healthy and productive mindset for the momentous task ahead of them
• Seasoned parents who want to raise their kids with the bigger picture in mind
• Teachers, mentors, and other carers craving the best for their children’s future

What’s in it for me? Meditate on a parent’s fundamental role in raising a child.

What does it mean to be a parent? Sure, you feed, clothe, and shelter your children – but that’s the bare minimum. There’s more to it than that.Just a few generations ago, having a child was seen as an investment in your future. Keep them alive through the difficult bit, and you’ll eventually have an able set of hands to help you work the land. The idea of providing emotional care or unconditional love was a luxury that the times didn’t always allow.Even today, many parents – particularly fathers – are denied an active, emotional presence in their children’s lives. Meanwhile, mothers are often given an unfair share of the responsibilities.Whatever came before, and whatever expectations exist today, you have made a psychological and biological decision to bring another living being into this world. So now, how do you bring them up?This chapter is about the fundamental essence of being a parent. Don’t expect tips or tricks for getting your toddler to sleep, or making your teenager listen to you. Those are important but incidental aspects of parenting. The advice you’ll find here is broader, and applicable to every stage of your child’s development.With that in mind, it’s time to find out what it means to be a parent.

Chapter 1: Show them what it means to do the right thing

Imagine you’re driving your car. Your child is sitting in the back seat, watching. You’re in a hurry to get home, so you drive a little bit too fast and get pulled over. Money’s tight, so you try (and fail) to talk your way out of the ticket. After the cop leaves, you mutter your annoyance and frustration under your breath.To you, that might be just another stressful day. But your child was observing you the whole time – what lessons did they learn, or unlearn? You can’t stress the importance of following rules, then speed when it’s convenient. What’s the value of honesty if you lie to the officer to avoid a fine? Who can preach love and respect, then say bad things behind someone’s back?The truth is, it’s not just isolated moments like this. Your children are always watching you from the back seat. They’re following you. And when you go off the path, so do they.Let them see you doing the right thing – working hard, keeping a promise, being respectful. Take the stoic philosopher Socrates. Despite his wisdom, his greatest teachings came from his character and actions, not his words. Isn’t this the ultimate standard we should hold our parenting to?Sometimes our children misbehave – they say a cruel word, or they make a choice that goes against the values we try to teach. Shocked, we wonder where they learned that. Rarely do we admit the obvious answer: we’re probably at fault.So next time your child does something you disapprove of, ask them this: “Have you ever seen me do that?” Maybe you’ve been unconsciously or accidentally modeling an unhealthy behavior. But now you have a valuable learning opportunity to be better.Your children are always watching. Let them see the right thing.

Chapter 2: Love them with everything you have

Bruce Springsteen’s father didn’t say a lot to him during his childhood, nor did he express much affection. This left the singer thinking – even into his adulthood and successful music career – that maybe he hadn’t earned his father’s love. Springsteen eventually fell into a deep depression. He took to driving past his childhood house, dwelling on the thing he was never given – the thing he felt he needed to fix. All the fame and success in the world couldn’t replace the unexpressed love of a father.Parental love isn’t something that a child should have to wonder about or search for. It shouldn’t be given only during the good times, when things are easy, or when they succeed or make you proud.You need to verbally express and show your love – all the time. Because love is service. You are here to serve your child, whatever that may look like. Cooking meals. Tying shoelaces. Taking them to the doctor. Keeping them safe. Your child doesn’t have to earn these things. They didn’t ask to be here, and you have no place denying them love – even for a second.Let them know that they’re enough, wherever they are, whatever they do. Don’t ask them to make you proud. It implies that they owe you something, or that it’s possible to disappoint you. Your love goes beyond that.Try this little experiment the next time you see your child playing in the yard, or walking out of a room. Say, “Hey, there’s something I need to tell you.” Pause for a bit, and see their reaction. What are they expecting?Now tell your child you love them.Are they surprised? Confused? If something so simple and true catches them off guard, what does that say about you and the expectations you’ve built? Maybe that’s a facet of yourself you can work on.Because nobody gets to the end of their life and wishes they’d spent less time saying “I love you.”

Chapter 3: Family should always be your top priority

King George VI had an obligation and tradition. Every Tuesday at exactly 5:30 p.m., he would meet with his Prime Minister, Winston Churchill, and discuss national affairs. When his daughter, Queen Elizabeth II, took power in 1952, she promptly rescheduled this important weekly meeting to 6:30 p.m. You see, she had two young children – and she couldn’t miss bathtime.No matter who you are, parenting is all about tradeoffs and sacrifices. You can throw all your effort into working to have enough money for your family, but this is going to cut into your own time to mentally recharge – and the quality time you could be spending with your kids. Likewise, focusing on just your family or leisure time can leave you without the money to fully support your endeavors.Famous artist and father Austin Kleon put it nicely: Work, family, scene – you can pick just two. One of the most important skills of a parent is knowing when to say yes or no.To state the obvious, your family and kids should always take top priority. Sure, pursue your ambitions and indulge your hobbies if you can – but make sure they’re not at the expense of what’s truly important.Sometimes, all you have to do is simply be there. If this doesn’t happen organically, then schedule regular, nonnegotiable time to be with your child. Think of it like a memory bank that you make deposits into.What are the things you remember from your own childhood? Often, it’s the small, seemingly inconsequential moments – a drive home after a football game, a family barbecue on a hot summer’s night. Likewise, a tense family dinner or dismissive remark might cement itself in your mind for decades.Think about the kind of memories you’re depositing on a daily basis, and what the accumulated sum will be when your child is all grown up. If something is stopping you from creating the best family memories, as frequently as possible, then ask yourself what can change.

Chapter 4: Control your emotions and learn to be patient

We’re constantly presented with things we have to deal with: tasks to do, people to please, children to raise. Life can be hard and stressful, but we always have a choice in how we deal with it. When things go wrong, do we lash out in anger – or take a deep breath and approach the problem constructively?We always tell our children they’re too old for the way they’re misbehaving. Too old to be sulking about dinner, too old to be getting others to clean their room. But we often forget to apply this same thinking to ourselves.It’s all about being patient, and controlling your emotions. You are the voice in your child's head. If you continuously act without thinking, then you may lose control of the voice you’re creating. How can you put the best possible voice in their head?There’s a tool you can keep in mind to help you exercise patience and self-control in your parenting. It’s a technique introduced by French author Pamela Druckerman in her parenting book, Bringing Up Bébé. She calls it “the pause.”Say you see your kid fall off his bike and scrape his knee. Instead of immediately rushing over to him, pause for a moment. Let him decide how hurt he is. Your toddler is struggling through a new sentence? Fight the instinct to jump in and help her out. Instead, pause and give her time to find the words herself. Your teenager is making the questionable choice to give up their tennis lessons? Don’t jump into an argument. Pause and listen to their reasons.By using the pause, you’ll start responding wisely instead of reflexively. Exercising this patience will help both you and your child learn from the situation – and it might even make them more likely to approach you with problems.Patience and self-control may be two of the most important tools you have at your disposal.

Chapter 5: Constantly help them build character

The New Zealand All Blacks are one of the most successful and disciplined rugby teams – for good reason. They’re talented, tough, and very imposing. But there’s another factor to their reputation and success: they always tidy up their locker room after a game. They put things away; they sweep the floor. They look after themselves, and leave things nice and neat for the next person.This principle also applies to parenting. You want your kids to be the best versions of themselves? Teach them to sweep up after themselves, or work on cultivating the kind of character that does. Because character is important. No matter how talented or motivated someone is, it counts for nothing if they’re weak in character. As the Greek philosopher Heraclitus said, “Character is fate.”You want to ensure you’re doing everything you can to help your children build character, and give them a strong internal compass. A good strategy is to make sure that any punishments also make them a better person.Think about it. If you want to discipline bad behavior, you can free two birds with one key by making the punishment practical – like the sports coach who makes a player do pushups if they don’t meet a standard.Next time your kid acts out, take a moment and think of a punishment that can help develop their character. It could be something as simple as cleaning the bathroom or memorizing capital cities. If you’re looking for something a bit bigger, try volunteer work – or ask them to help paint the house.They may not like it, but that’s the point. When they grow up, they’ll thank you for building their character and preparing them for the world.

Chapter 6: Help them become the person they’re meant to be

In ancient Greece, Lycurgus took two dogs from the same litter. He raised one in his home, and the other out in the hunting fields. It was only the outdoor dog that would choose to chase a hare instead of having its easily available food. Lycurgus used this principle of nurture to raise the children of Sparta to be warriors.As a parent, your job is to nurture. This doesn’t mean creating superstars, or athletes, or the next in line for the family business – though that’s always a possibility. You’re nurturing your children into becoming who they are.This identity ultimately comes from them. Sure, you’ll expose them to many different activities and experiences, but they’re only naturally going to gravitate toward some of them. As a parent, you need to identify and nurture these interests and abilities as they emerge.Your son is the first in the family to be utterly uninterested in fixing cars? You may need to let that go, and focus on his growing affinity for the piano. You’re there to help your children see whatever the world has to offer – they’ll do the rest.By forcing your child to go down a certain path, you may actually be holding them back from realizing their potential. It’s their life – you created it and have a huge influence over it, but at the end of the day, they must be their own person.It’s about avoiding one simple thing: shame. Shame isn’t natural. It’s passed from parent to child – and it’s one of the greatest barriers to letting them be who they truly are.Never make a child feel bad or silly for liking something, or expressing themselves. Let them be who they are, and let them be happy with that.That’s how you nurture your child.

Chapter 7: There’s nothing more powerful than a curious mind

There’s an important message that basketball coach Pete Carril would tell his younger players – one that he himself learned from his father. It goes like this: the strong will always take from the weaker, but it’s the smart ones that take from the strong.Remember this – no matter what advantages of wealth, talent, or opportunity you may be born with, there’s a secret weapon that you can always use to get the upper hand: your brain. As a parent, your job is to teach your kid to use their brain.This can’t be started too early. The younger they are, the more impressionable they are. You need to teach them the habits of developing a healthy mind before they can resist.And what are these habits? Teach them to be curious and open-minded – the world is an interesting and fascinating place! Explore it with them. Let them notice things. Ask them specific questions about what happened that day. What color was the car you took to the shops? How many cows were in the field you drove past?But the most valuable thing you can give your children if you want them to develop a strong, healthy mind is the gift of reading. As the poet Margarita Engle said, “Books are door-shaped portals." They can take us anywhere, and show us anything.Here, as with most aspects of parenting, lead by example. Let them see you reading. Have a wide range of books around the house. The more you read, the more you’ll see them mimic your behavior.Go even further than that. Talk about the books with them. Debate the topics, and discuss the characters. Get them actually thinking about what they read.Raise a reader, and your child will always have an advantage in this world.

Final summary

Parenting isn’t just a set of actions. It’s a philosophy – a way of thinking that guides you. No matter how old your child is, or what their path in life is, always keep in mind these principles:Lead by example. Love unconditionally, and always put your children first. Practice patience and self-control, and allow them to grow into the strong, intelligent adult they’re capable of being.You are part of a beautiful chain of successful parents, stretching back thousands of years. How are you going to continue this chain into the future?

About the Author

Ryan Holiday is a philosopher, writer, and father. His other works include the best-selling books The Daily Stoic and Stillness is the Key. He lives in Texas, where he runs a bookshop called The Painted Porch.