Sizing People Up
A Veteran FBI Agent’s User Manual for Behavior Prediction
By Robin Dreeke and Cameron Stauth
Category: Psychology | Reading Duration: 21 min | Rating: 4.3/5 (355 ratings)
About the Book
Sizing People Up (2020) explores the subtle behavioral clues that reveal someone’s true character and intentions. From divining people’s mindset to analyzing their language to understanding common behavioral patterns, this summary reveal who you can trust – and who you definitely can’t.
Who Should Read This?
- Recruiters looking to up their game
- Psychology buffs seeking fresh insights
- Sales people wanting to develop their skills
What’s in it for me? Learn to read people.
No man is an island, and we all need to team up to get things done. But the reality is that some people make better teammates than others. There are those that will champion you and those that will criticize you behind your back, those that will stay loyal for life and those that will cut you loose as soon as you’re no longer useful. This is a hard truth. What makes it even harder is that so much of your success, from your career to your family life, depends on being able to differentiate between people you can trust and people you can’t. That’s where this summary come in. You’ll discover what subtle behavioral signs the people around you are giving off – all the time – and how you can read those signs to make better decisions about whom to trust. You’ll discover how to gather the data that really matters about a person, from the language they use to their past behavior to their personal appearance. And you’ll learn to look beyond the obvious to the hidden tells that reveal true inner character. They say the best thing to hold onto in life is each other. this summary are your how-to guide to deciding which people you should never let go of – and who you should keep your distance from. In this summary, you’ll learn - the three personality traits of emotionally unstable people;
- why you can’t trust someone who can’t apologize; and
- what questions you should really be asking in a recruitment interview.
Chapter 1: People's behavior can often be predicted by their circumstances.
How well do you really know your coworkers? That’s the question author Robin Dreeke asked himself on September 11, 2001. At the time, he was a young FBI agent working in New York City. As the horror and confusion of that day unfolded, some of his fellow agents didn’t hesitate to run toward the burning twin towers to help. But others hung back and quietly dropped out of the rescue effort. Afterward, Dreeke realized he couldn’t have predicted who would behave heroically and who would think only of themselves. That day taught him the importance of being able to predict people’s behavior. If you can do that, you’ll know who you can rely on when the going gets tough. The key message here is: People's behavior can often be predicted by their circumstances. When you’re trying to predict how someone will act toward you, consider this: How much immunity does he have from the consequences of his behavior?It’s often said that power tends to corrupt. Sadly, that seems to be about right.When someone has a lot of power, perhaps in the form of wealth or a high-status position, then he has the freedom to behave badly. Why? Because he is protected from the consequences of his behavior. It’s harder to predict how a powerful person will behave because, in many situations, he can do whatever he likes. The flip side of this is that it tends to be easier to predict the behavior of someone who is highly vulnerable. A vulnerable person is easier to punish when he breaks the rules, so he often feels that he must behave in a certain way. And that makes his actions more predictable. To accurately size someone up, you should also bear in mind how long your relationship with that person is likely to last. This matters because, in shorter relationships, people are more likely to behave badly. After all, they won’t be around to face the consequences of their unreliable behavior, so what’s stopping them? On the other hand, a longer relationship leaves a lot more time for them to be either rewarded or punished for their actions, so there is a stronger incentive to behave well. But what about just going with your gut instinct about people, and trusting your intuition? Well, intuition is unreliable; it usually means we trust those we like and distrust trust those we don’t. But you’ve probably known someone you liked but couldn’t trust. Or someone you didn’t really get along with but whom you could rely on in a crisis? If you have, then you’ll understand why intuition can’t predict behavior.
Chapter 2: Put your trust in those who believe that they win when you win.
Most of us want to be successful. But do those around you also want you to be a success? You probably know some people who champion you and have your best interests at heart. But you almost definitely also know people who couldn’t care less whether or not you succeed. When it comes to deciding whom to trust, knowing how to tell the difference is vital. It's important to identify those precious individuals who believe that your success is their success, too. These are the people who will go to great lengths to help you achieve things. They will shield you from negative outcomes and identify ways to further your interests. Do these personal champions sound like something out of an unlikely fairy tale? Well, they're not. They just believe that it's in their own best interest to help you.The key message here is: Put your trust in those who believe that they win when you win. So which behavioral clues indicate that someone is invested in your success? First, look out for people who are happy to adapt their working style to fit yours and who are willing to work at your pace. They’re showing you that they will inconvenience themselves to help you reach your full potential. This could manifest itself in something as simple as agreeing to meet at a time that works best for you, rather than for them. Second, people who are invested in you are also willing to do you favors, even when you don’t ask for them. And, interestingly, helping you out actually makes them even more disposed to like you. Here’s why: disliking someone after helping them creates cognitive dissonance. This is the uncomfortable sensation of behaving one way and feeling a different way. People tend to try to avoid cognitive dissonance. So, if a person helps you, that person’s feelings toward you will also improve. Of course, it's also crucial to identify the people who do not think that your success is their success – especially in the workplace. For example, if your boss chooses someone else for the promotion you wanted, this is a strong behavioral indicator that she is not invested in you. Our professional fortunes are often linked to the achievements of our subordinates. So your boss is saying, loud and clear, that she doesn't think you can boost her own success as much as someone else can. If you're working for someone who isn't invested in your future, it might be time to consider seeking new professional opportunities.
Chapter 3: You can’t trust someone who doesn’t trust you.
Human relationships often boil down to one simple question. Whether you’re dealing with a potential coworker or an exciting love interest, the question is the same: Can I trust this person? But if you want an accurate answer, then you’re going to have to ask yourself something else, too: How much do they trust you? It might sound counterintuitive, but if you’re in search of more trusting relationships, the best place to start looking is in the mirror. If you give off signals that you can be trusted, then the people around you will mimic your behavior. They’ll start behaving in a more trustworthy way, too. The key message here is: You can’t trust someone who doesn’t trust you. So what behavior will show other people you’re worthy of their trust? First, try to put your ego aside during conversations. When we see someone displaying egotistical behavior, it makes us defensive, suspicious, and cold. Even worse, we don’t trust self-centered people to be fair with us, which makes us behave unfairly toward them. It’s the only way to make sure we won’t get cheated. So to gain people’s trust, make them feel as if you’re interested in them, rather than yourself. Never boast, and don’t even mention your achievements unless you're specifically asked. Another way to gain the trust of others is to make them feel validated. It's tempting to criticize people – you might even think you’re helping them when you point out their mistakes. But actually, if people think you disapprove of them, then they’ll start disapproving of you, too. So instead of voicing your judgments, try to keep an open mind and steer conversations toward your interlocutor’s experiences, abilities, and challenges. Topics like these help you find common ground. Once people feel validated, they’ll feel comfortable enough to be their authentic self, and trust will soon follow. Finally, if you want to cultivate trustworthy relationships, then embrace the power of generosity. Perhaps unsurprisingly, we’re more likely to trust givers than takers. Nobody enjoys a one-sided relationship. If you're selfish, people will act selfishly toward you just to make the relationship equal again. To boost trust levels in any relationship, try to give other people more than what they expect from you. This might sound risky, but most people remember when their expectations have been exceeded. And they’ll act generously in return.
Chapter 4: Most of the ways we assess people’s reliability are unreliable.
Knowing who you can rely on is essential. For most of human history, jobs revolved around agriculture and manufacturing. This made it easy to determine who was reliable and who wasn’t. People either came up with the food and the goods, or they didn’t. But in our complex modern world, it is harder to know who is truly reliable in the workplace. Not only do people tend to exaggerate how reliable they are, both on their résumés and during interviews, but previous employers often give deceptively positive references, too. This can happen because they want to get rid of an unreliable employee themselves. Or maybe they just don’t want to upset outgoing employees by giving them a bad reference. Either way, reliability is very difficult to measure.The key message here is: Most of the ways we assess people’s reliability are unreliable. If you’re an employer, you could try giving potential employees work tasks. These tasks will give you an idea of whether someone is well suited to the job, but they won’t tell you the whole story. That’s because work tasks mainly measure someone’s competence. But a reliable employee is not only competent, but also diligent.So that potential new recruit might excel at her work task but then complete assignments poorly once hired. In fact, very competent people often coast through their careers, relying on raw ability alone. These gifted but arrogant people aren’t diligent. They leave the crossing of the t’s and the dotting of the i’s to their less “brilliant” coworkers. Luckily, there are better ways to tell whether your potential new recruit is reliable. Here is one way: instead of just exploring professional history, try to get a feel for an applicant’s whole life. Someone who is competent and reliable in the workplace tends to be like this in every other area of life, too. Such people typically enjoy meaningful friendships and solid romantic relationships because they know how to manage their time and are capable of making lasting commitments. So, in an interview, you could ask about personal relationships. If you get a cagey response, then it may be a sign that the applicant struggles with this part of life. And remember: people who aren’t competent on their own time probably won’t be on yours, either. You should also pay attention to self-presentation. Unreliable people are often careless with their appearance. When potential recruits seem to neglect personal appearance, they are telling you that they are unhappy with themselves. So if you hire someone who wears dirty clothes or has questionable personal hygiene, then you may both be on the road to unhappiness.
Chapter 5: One of the best indications of future behavior is past behavior.
How can you identify someone’s core values, such as loyalty, integrity, or self-assurance? You could ask him, of course, but he might lie to you. Or he may not have the self-awareness to give you an accurate answer. With this in mind, it’s safer to look for patterns in someone’s behavior because, more often than not, patterns don’t lie. The key message here is: One of the best indications of future behavior is past behavior. One pattern of behavior is loyalty. Of course, you can’t trust everyone that’s loyal to you. Even people who are fundamentally disloyal will be true to a successful person who can open doors for them. But this isn’t real loyalty – it's just a survival mechanism. Those worthy of your trust will show a pattern of being faithful, even in situations when others have criticized you. If someone has your back when it would be easier for him to bad-mouth you, that’s a sign that you can trust him in the future. One negative behavior pattern that should be a trust deal-breaker is when someone repeatedly gossips to you about other people.This is an indicator of underlying insecurity. Insecure people tend to judge others to feel better about themselves. Their stories about other people’s mistakes or character flaws might be entertaining. But tread carefully because you never know when you will become the subject of one of their tales. On the other hand, a positive behavior pattern is when someone always walks away when the conversation turns to gossip. This tells you that she is a healthy, secure person who is not interested in dwelling on the problems or minor flaws of others. She is only interested in having healthy relationships with them. Finally, the most dangerous behavior pattern is inconsistency. Be wary of people who constantly behave in unpredictable ways and have a track record of not doing what they say they will. Sure, there can be something exciting, or even charming, about their devil-may-care approach to life and the drama that often ensues. But don’t be under any illusions – such people are showing you that they can’t be trusted. And, in a crisis situation, there is almost nothing worse than an inconsistent person.
Chapter 6: Trustworthy people use simple language and aren’t afraid to apologize.
Listening carefully to what people have to say is the cornerstone of good communication. But when you’re sizing people up, it’s also important to pay close attention to how they say it. This makes sense; we use language to tell each other things. So the way we use language – our words, our delivery, our phrasing – is telling as well.The key message here is: Trustworthy people use simple language and aren’t afraid to apologize. Trustworthy people tend to speak simply and clearly. This is because they are confident and secure in their ideas; they have no need to dress them up with long words and florid sentences. In contrast, untrustworthy people tend to be insecure and will often confuse you with complex language. They do this to conceal a lack of confidence, either in themselves or in their ideas. And don’t be fooled by people who talk very fast or who are overly smooth. People you can really trust are straight-talkers. They don’t need a lot of words. People you can trust also use words like often, sometimes, and frequently, rather than words like always or never. Why?Well, think back to the last time you had an argument with someone, and you were accused of “never” doing something. Didn’t that make you angry and defensive? Look out for people who use this sort of absolutist language, because it tends to provoke conflict. In the real world, absolutes are rare, and so it’s dishonest to frequently use words like “never.” Instead, look out for people who use more moderate words like “often” or “sometimes.” This tells you that they are fairer, more honest, and more keen to keep the peace with other people. It’s also a good idea to keep your distance from people who can’t fully apologize for their mistakes. We all make errors; it's part of being human. Trustworthy people can shoulder blame, apologize, and move on, whereas untrustworthy people will become defensive. They’ll say, “I’m sorry, but...” and everything that follows will be an attack on you or a set of excuses. This is a red flag – it suggests that they can’t admit they made a mistake, or be vulnerable in front of you. Why? Probably because, for whatever reason, they don't trust you. And as we already know, if people don't trust you, then you probably can’t trust them.
Chapter 7: Emotionally unstable people have certain traits that you should look out for.
When you’re considering placing your faith in someone, you’ll need to consider how emotionally stable he is. What’s his default mindset? Is he calm and secure in his own abilities, or is he full of fear? When someone untrustworthy tries to gain our trust, he might appear confident. But if you know what to look for, you can identify the negative mindset that lies underneath. The key message here is: Emotionally unstable people have certain traits that you should look out for. Emotionally unstable people often have what the author likes to call a “3-P personality.” First, they believe that any hardship they experience is permanent. They can’t understand that nothing lasts forever – even misfortune. Second, they struggle to compartmentalize their life. All problems they face are pervasive, affecting every part of life. You might try to persuade them that they can compartmentalize their life, but you can’t change their outlook.Finally, people with a 3-P personality believe that everything that goes wrong is their fault. They personalize every misfortune. Such people get caught in a rainstorm and think, “I can’t believe I didn’t bring an umbrella, I’m so stupid!” Emotionally unstable people also tend to have a victim mentality, even when they haven’t experienced any trauma themselves. They can’t differentiate between big problems and small ones. In their minds, minor issues spiral into terrifying catastrophes. What’s more, fear is a highly contagious emotion. So think twice before you trust anyone who seems to turn small challenges into disasters. So what does an emotionally stable mindset look like? Well, for starters, a healthy mind is ruled by love, not fear. This loving mindset primarily finds its expression in appreciation. Emotionally stable people are grateful for what they have. No time is wasted with anxiety about what they lack. Stable people also tend to be at peace with themselves. They like who they are, and, as a result, they come across as accepting and pleasant. In contrast, emotionally unstable people are usually dissatisfied with themselves. This makes it difficult to form a good relationship with them. Why? Because when people don’t like themselves, they don't tend to like much else either. And that probably includes you.
Final summary
The key message in this summary:If you learn to identify the subtle behavioral differences between the trustworthy and the deceitful, you can confidently enter into any relationship and sidestep betrayal. Predicting human behavior isn’t difficult. It’s not a matter of faith, and it isn’t guesswork. Instead, it’s purely a question of information. You’ll need to look beyond what someone says and consider how they say it, what their mindset is, and how they’ve acted in the past. Actionable advice:Trust people to behave in their own best interests. One of the most predictable things about human beings is that we will almost always act in our own best interests. This might sound selfish, but doing what’s right for us is also healthy and necessary for our survival. So when you’re trying to determine how someone will act in the future, think about what he wants. Then you’ll know how he will behave. And the good news is that discovering what someone wants is usually pretty easy. Often, all you have to do is ask!
About the Author
Robin Dreeke is the former head of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Program and has over 30 years of experience in the science of behavior and interpersonal relationships. Dreeke is also the founder and president of People Formula, LLC – a consultancy that helps people hone their communication and rapport-building skills. Cameron Stauth is an author and journalist who specializes in nonfiction and science writing.