Raising Good Humans
A Mindful Guide to Breaking the Cycle of Reactive Parenting and Raising Kind, Confident Kids
By Hunter Clarke-Fields
Category: Communication Skills | Reading Duration: 18 min | Rating: 4.5/5 (420 ratings)
About the Book
Raising Good Humans (2019) is a mindful parenting guide that teaches you how to stop yelling and get grounded. It features healthy practices that can help you break generational cycles and be a better parent.
Who Should Read This?
- Parents who want to stop yelling
- Teachers and parents who need better conflict management strategies
- Caregivers interested in personal development
What’s in it for me? Stop yelling at your kids, and start feeling good about your parenting skills.
Ever yelled at your kid? Well, join the club. Kids are wonderful, but they can test your nerves to the point that you’d have to be a saint not to snap. Still, it doesn’t feel good to yell – and deep down inside, you probably know that it’s damaging your relationship.
If you’re ready to break the reactionary cycles that have been handed down to you from the generations before, this Blink is for you. There’s no magic cure to end yelling; even with guidance, you’re bound to slip once in a while. But you can begin to heal your inner wounds, learn to interrupt your reactions, and start cultivating healthier connections with your children. In this Blink to Hunter Clarke-Fields’ Raising Good Humans, you'll explore the daily practice that will help shrink the reactionary part of your brain and strengthen the problem-solving part.
You’ll discover strategies for managing your own big emotions so you can pass those skills on to your kids. And you’ll learn to build cooperation through connectedness – and ultimately create a lifelong positive relationship with your children. With that in mind, let’s dive in.
Chapter 1: You can’t control this.
There you are, looking your five-year-old dead in the eye. For the third time you say, “Don’t you dare touch that vase. ” Time slows down. Silence fills the room.
Maybe you hear the distant rustle of a tumbleweed rolling by as the standoff intensifies. Your little angel smiles devilishly, stares at you without flinching, and pokes the vase – knocking it to the floor with a crash. What are you supposed to do? We’ll start with what you can’t control. Whatever feelings come up – possibly a rush of rage and indescribable frustration – are beyond your control. Your stress response is natural and automatic.
It comes from a part of your brain called the amygdala. Here’s the bad news: when you’re in a state of high stress and your amygdala is activated, you are not capable of responding in a logical, controlled way. The part of your brain that thinks and considers is called the prefrontal cortex – and it’s completely paralyzed when you’re in a state of fight, flight, or freeze. So is that it? You’re just doomed to yell at your kids until they stop pushing all your buttons? Of course not.
Here’s the good news: the answer to the problem of reactions that are out of your – and your kids’ – control is mindfulness. Yes, we’ve all heard the term. Frankly, it has been used to death in everything from Instagram stories to parenting podcasts. But here’s the deal. Research using MRI scans has shown that after only eight weeks of some kind of consistent mindfulness practice – whether it’s meditation or yoga or something else – the amygdala actually shrinks. Even better, the connections between your prefrontal cortex and the rest of your brain grow stronger.
So as much as we’re becoming jaded to the concept of mindfulness, it’s truly the best and only practice that can help us break the generational cycles of yelling, punishing, and raging at our kids. To get a good grasp of what mindfulness means in the context of this Blink, here’s an exercise you can do. Pick an activity. It can be washing the dishes, going for a walk, taking a bath, or anything else really. Let’s say you choose washing the dishes. To practice mindfulness, you’re going to slow down your mind.
Instead of rushing through the dishes to get it done, begin inhaling and exhaling deeply and intentionally. Listen to the sound of the water. Take note of how it feels running over your hands. Give names to any feelings that arise. Be mindful of each moment in the process. And that’s it.
You’ve begun training your brain, teaching it to take control of its perceptions. Keep in mind that this is a practice – meaning it is ongoing and requires consistency. This is also the foundation you’re going to build your new, amazing parenting skills on.
Chapter 2: You’ve got issues, too.
Your kids aren’t the only ones with issues. And if you want to keep from passing yours on to them, it’s time to understand what triggers you and why. When your five-year-old laughed maniacally as the vase shattered to the ground, you got mad. Maybe you got scared.
Why? Your next exercise is to think about how that situation would have gone in your own childhood. What would your mom or dad have said to you? What would they have done? How would that have made you feel? Hopefully as you do this, you’re looking back at yourself as a child and feeling compassion.
We’re not here to shame ourselves every time we get triggered, or to beat ourselves up for reacting badly. We’re here to model love to our children by first loving ourselves. So identify those triggers, and then give yourself a kind and compassionate pep talk. Continue practicing the mindfulness we explored in part one.
And the next time something triggering arises, do your best to interrupt your reaction. Take a deep breath, and walk away until your emotions come down and you can deal with the issue in a calm, intentional manner. More on that shortly.
Chapter 3: Self-talk is your guide.
Whenever you’re about to admonish yourself, ask, Would you talk to your friends that way? If not, you shouldn’t be talking to yourself that way. For most parents, the inner voice is critical and focused on blame and shame. The problem is, our external actions are directly guided by what we’re cultivating on the inside.
That means that we have to do some of the hardest work imaginable – we have to love ourselves. When you mess up, what does your inner voice sound like? If it’s accusatory, critical, or shaming, you’re far from alone. But imagine what it would be like if, when you mess up, a kind voice said to you, “I noticed you were feeling very upset when you yelled at your child. Something must be bothering you. Wanna talk about it?
” Wouldn’t that be nice? Then you would have the chance to understand yourself a little better. You could identify what went wrong and why it went wrong. You could make a plan for how to manage better next time. Not surprisingly, this is going to be the same advice you get a little later on how to talk to your kids. How you talk to yourself will inform how you talk to your kids.
In other words, treating yourself with love and kindness is foundational to becoming a better parent. If you’re wondering about the broken vase and who’s going to clean it up and how you’re going to make sure it doesn’t happen again – stop. Take a breath. And don’t worry. Boundaries will be upheld, but first we have to deal with that amygdala. Remember, the calm, decision-making part of the brain can’t operate if the amygdala is fully activated.
Before moving to the next part, here’s a little note about self-care. When you understand the value of treating yourself with loving-kindness, you’ll agree that self-care is not just a luxury; it’s also a responsibility. Later, we’ll dissect whose needs are more important – yours or your kids. For now, let’s get into feelings.
Chapter 4: Feelings are allowed.
Emotions aren’t the enemy. In fact, they often alert us to a danger or an urgent need that should be addressed. Knowing that, it pays to put the spotlight on your emotions. Ignoring them only leads to suffering – and repeating those negative generational cycles.
Unfortunately, the feelings part of the brain doesn’t understand that it’s no longer living in the kind of world where you have to hunt and fight to survive. It still acts as though every threat is a big threat. Because of that, you need to build skills for managing big emotions. The first skill is acknowledgment. This is the denial of blame and shame, and the simple naming of the feeling. Hello anger, I see you there.
When you do this, you turn on that paralyzed prefrontal cortex and give it the opportunity to start weighing in on the situation. My kid just broke a vase on purpose after I told him not to, and I’m feeling very angry. Now he’s crying loudly. He’s probably feeling scared. In this moment, when emotions are high, acknowledgment and acceptance are all that are needed. Once you’ve calmed down and your child has calmed down, you can begin to investigate the feelings and the situation.
It’s important to approach this process with open-mindedness and curiosity. You don’t have to fix anything right now. You just need to connect with your child. The purpose of mindfulness is to control your reactions to big emotions. The purpose of controlling your reactions and parenting mindfully is to build strong connections with your child. You’ll learn why in a minute.
Chapter 5: Connection starts with listening.
Assuming you’re calm and ready to deal with a crying child, you’re ready to strengthen your connection with this little person. How? By listening. The practice of reflective listening means removing judgment and helping your child identify and name their own emotions.
Here’s an example. Your child: “I don’t know why I knocked over the vase. ” You: “You wanted to see what would happen to it. ” Your child: “No, I didn’t want to break it. ” You: “You didn’t want to break it, but you knew it would break. ” Your child: “Yes.
I thought you might get mad. ” You: “You wanted to see what Mommy would do. ” Your child: “I’m sorry I broke your vase. ” Reflective listening isn’t about asking questions or solving problems. It’s about understanding. You’re not even the detective in this story.
Your goal is to help your child be their own detective so that they can one day manage their own feelings and behaviors in a skillful way. Not only this, but through the practice of reflective listening, you’re building a strong connection with your child. A connected relationship is a cooperative relationship. There’s no judgment or punishment – just learning and growing. But your vase is still broken, right? We’ll talk about that next.
Chapter 6: You matter, too!
Back in section three, the issue of how to prioritize your needs came up. Your needs aren’t more important than those of your kids – but they are just as important. So take a moment, and make a list of your needs. These might include sleep, affection, time with friends, a vase that isn’t broken, or any number of other things.
Your daily practice should involve taking care of your needs not just for yourself, but as a way to model this behavior for your kids. One way to communicate this is with “I” messages. These can be tricky. Many people have learned to say, “I feel,” or “I feel like. ” But there’s a right way and a wrong way. Here’s the wrong way: “I feel like you broke my vase on purpose to make me mad.
” This is blaming and judging disguised as an “I” message. Here’s one right way to do it: “When you broke my vase, it made me feel sad because it was a gift that I really liked. Now I have to clean it up so that nobody gets hurt on the dangerous shards. ” This response states the action in a non-blaming way, describes the truthful feeling, and also lays out how the action affected you. Now that we’ve talked about your needs and how best to express them, let’s get into what happens when your needs and your child’s needs conflict.
Chapter 7: Conflict is normal.
Wherever there are two people living or working together, there will be conflict. Conflict is simply an event where two people have needs that they feel are unmet or are going to be unmet. First of all, there’s no need to feel bad or guilty about conflict. You shouldn’t punish any of the feelings that arise because of it.
Instead, put into practice a good strategy for managing these situations. First of all, remember that no one who is in an upset state is going to be able to communicate or problem-solve. So before everything, you and your child need to get calm. If anything messy or dangerous has occurred – like a shattered vase – take the time to clean it up. When you’re ready to talk, first identify which needs you each have. Yours may be to have an orderly, safe home.
Your child’s needs may be to get attention or feel the security of good boundaries. Then invite your child to help you brainstorm a solution. In this stage, there are no bad ideas. Next, evaluate your ideas – and find the one that gets both of your needs met. Decide on a plan of action. And finally, check in on yourself and your child to make sure that you’re both being taken care of.
Chapter 8: It’s the little moments.
All of the practices and skills that have been addressed so far are geared toward the ultimate goal of breaking generational cycles and creating strong, healthy, connected relationships in your family. As you build trust and safety through mindfulness and emotional regulation, you can begin to connect in other ways. Make sure to connect through positive physical touch like hugs or safe roughhousing. Playing with your kids is an important way to connect.
It doesn’t have to take a lot of time out of your day – even 10 or 15 minutes are enough. You can also connect by making the home a place where you all work together. Giving children chores and routines grounds them and helps them feel independent but also helpful. And about that vase – you strengthen your connection by holding healthy boundaries. Respecting each other’s things is a boundary. Chores before fun is a boundary.
Just remember that wherever there are boundaries, there will be conflict. This conflict is normal. And managing this conflict through reflective listening and cooperative resolution can further strengthen your connections. Most importantly, remember this is a practice that will continue to reward you for as long as you’re a parent.
Final summary
The fact that you’re actively trying to improve as a parent pretty much guarantees success to some degree. If you practice mindfulness on a daily basis, you’ll give yourself the foundation you need to interrupt and manage your own emotions. Practice reflective listening to remove judgment and bias, and to engage with your child from a place of curiosity. Teach them how to name their feelings.
Express your own needs in a healthy way using “I” messages. Manage conflict in a manner that gets everyone’s needs met. And above all, connect with your children. It’s all much simpler than it sounds – through practice and dedication, you’ll begin noticing less stress and more happiness in your household before you know it.
About the Author
Hunter Clarke-Fields is the “Mindful Mama Mentor” on a mission to end negative generational patterns. Combining her 20 years of experience in meditation and yoga with her personal journey as a mom, Clarke-Fields guides parents toward taking control over their reactionary behavior to become skillful in their caregiving role.