Parenting

Getting It Right

By Andy & Sandra Stanley

Category: Communication Skills | Reading Duration: 19 min | Rating: 4.5/5 (121 ratings)

About the Book

Parenting (2023) presents essential parenting principles in a format that is easy to follow and implement. By drawing on practical knowledge and experience, the authors illustrate the goals and steps required to raise a happy and healthy kid – whether you’re dealing with the sleepless frustration of a newborn or the emotional rollercoaster of a moody teenager.

Who Should Read This?

Overwhelmed new parents who want a bit of direction in their chaotic lives
Frustrated moms and dads looking for a fresh perspective on classic problems
Expecting couples who want to have a solid foundation from the very start

What’s in it for me? Adjust your goals and raise your kids with confidence.

Every parent knows the fear. As their child grows and develops in their own unique and chaotic way, the overwhelmed, overinformed, and sleep-deprived parents desperately try to decide which behaviors to permit, what to punish, and what to encourage. And naturally, the usual doubts inevitably creep in along the way.From the surreal moment that the hospital lets you go home with an actual breathing human to keep alive and one day release into society, there’s one question that you’ll ask yourself, often several times a day:Am I doing it right?The mistakes seem as easy to make as they are hard to notice. And knowing the responsibility you have to this little person's future and the world you’re bringing them into,the thought of doing it wrong can be terrifying.But what exactly is this it that you don’t want to get wrong? What’s the end goal that you’re working toward? Too many parents get so caught up in the day-to-day of raising a child, that they don’t stop to think about what their actual end goal is. Or even worse, each parent might find themselves working towards different goals, without even knowing it.In this Blink to Parenting by Andy and Sandra Stanley, you’ll learn about a pretty good it to be working toward and some great guidelines and ideas to make sure that you’re doing it right. Whether you’re the parent of a screaming colicky newborn or a moody indolent teenager, it’s never too late to adapt your parenting habits and ensure a brighter future for everyone involved.

Chapter 1: Aim to raise kids who want to be with you, even when they don’t have to be.

Let’s start by asking a simple question: At the end of the day, when all this is over and the kids have left the nest, what would you consider a parenting win?Safe and healthy? Probably. Rich and successful? Always nice. Did they graduate college? Are they playing in the NFL? Dancing on Broadway? These are all great goals.But they’re not enough.It’s important early on to step back and take note of where you’re going. You don’t want to look back one day and realize that you’ve parented in the wrong direction. Or that the direction was decided for you – by circumstances, by culture, or by the impulses of your children and relatives.As a parent, you should be leading with a clear purpose in mind. While there are many possible parenting goals, Andy and Sandra suggest that there’s one that stands above all the rest. One parenting goal that, if kept in mind, can have a great effect on the well-being of your children – and those around them. Including you.And it’s this: you want to raise kids who like being with you and each other, even when they don’t have to be.It’s all about parenting with the relationship in mind. If you focus on the relationship, it teaches your kids to be good at relationships, and this greatly improves their confidence and emotional well-being.Think about it. Have you ever met someone whose problems come from a healthy relationship with their parents? It’s pretty unlikely.But there’s one fundamental thing to keep in mind if you choose this method of relationship-focused parenting – the relationship that you have with your children isn’t the same as the relationship they have with you.While this may seem obvious, it’s crucial to maintain a healthy dynamic. Your child is dependent. You are in charge. Both relationships are permanent but never forget that they’re two very different things.In the next sections, you’ll find out how this relationship-focused parenting plays out during the different stages of your child's development.

Chapter 2: The first years of parenting should be focused on obedience.

In a lot of ways, parenting is like a farmer growing their crops. There’s a time – let's call it a season – when you need to sow. You can’t do it all at once or whenever you want. You need to plan it. You need to fertilize it. You need to tend to it. And you need to wait.If you’re patient and pay attention to the seasons, you’ll harvest a healthy crop when your kids grow up.The transition to a new season comes naturally for a child, but for a parent, it has to be a conscious decision. It can be hard to break the habits and methods that you’ve developed over one season, even though your child is ready. That’s why it’s important to be aware of what each season looks like and when they change.The first season covers years 0 to 5. In this season you should be focusing on discipline. Your child isn’t born knowing what actions are good or bad, right or wrong – they need you to show them that.Learning at a young age that actions have consequences has a huge effect on a child’s safety, well-being, and eventually the relationships they have with others.While discipline might not be everyone’s cup of tea, it is necessary. Because if you don’t do it now, someone else will later in life – maybe a teacher or a principal if you’re lucky. A police officer or judge if you’re not.So what and when do you discipline? A good rule is to think of the three D’s: Disobedience, Dishonesty, and Disrespect. If they don’t listen to you, deliberately lie about something, or are actively rude, then discipline should be given consistently and immediately.If you get this down early in life when the stakes are low, it’ll make the following seasons a lot easier. This isn’t fun to be doing during the teenage years.As all seasons must pass. Eventually, your child will grow – obediently, honestly, and respectfully – into the next stage of parenting.

Chapter 3: The second stage of parenting is for training.

What does an athlete do when they want to win a gold medal? They practice. And then they practice some more.It’s the same for kids during the second season of parenting. If you want them to grow up to be champions, you’re going to have to spend years 5 to 12 focused on training. This season still requires the discipline of the earlier years, but now there’s more explanation behind it.The goal of training is to give your kids the skills and values they need to succeed in life. You’re going to be teaching “this is what we do,” “this is why we do it,” and “let’s make this into a habit.”Some parents forget that for any child, everything needs to be practiced. Have you ever seen a child misbehaving at a restaurant? Sure, and that’s because the parents never practiced how to behave at a restaurant.A good focus for training if you’re parenting with the relationship in mind is social skills. This includes things like manners and greetings. One of the many positives of regular family meals is the opportunity to practice good dinner etiquette. Don’t be afraid to call a “redo” if the behavior isn’t up to scratch. Practice is repetition.To prepare for dinner guests, go outside and ring the doorbell. Let your kids practice answering with their “quick draw” – getting their hands out and ready for a handshake and greeting.Another good skill to train is the “interrupt rule.” If you’re chatting with another adult and your child wants to talk to you, practice having them silently put their hand on your arm or leg to let you know they have something to say. This will teach them not to interrupt, and be patient while waiting for attention.There are endless things you can train, so think about what you want from your children and focus on that. The most important thing to remember is to have fun with this season. At this age, kids want to learn, and they’ll try just about anything if it means they get to play with you.And remember to make the most of it, because this enthusiasm doesn’t carry over into the next season.

Chapter 4: The later years of parenting are for coaching and friendship.

You’ve lived a rich life. You’ve traveled the world, learned amazing things, had valuable experiences. Who wouldn’t appreciate the life-changing advice and insights you’ve collected over the years?Your 15-year-old son or daughter, that’s who.After disciplining the behavior and training the social skills, prepare for the hormone-filled storm of the third season: 12 to 18 years.These are known as the coaching years – your kids are growing and developing their independence. It’s time to drop your strategies from the training years. They need to learn from their mistakes and start making their own decisions. You’ll need to focus on connecting rather than correcting.So, what does this look like?First, you should try to cultivate constant conversations. You want your children to be able to talk to you – to share their troubles and fears. This can mean learning how to react appropriately. If your teenager shares something troubling about a party they went to and you freak out, chances are they won’t tell you something like that again.The second rule of the coaching years is: Don’t bail them out; let them fail. If you find yourself constantly defending or protecting your teenage children, you might be stopping them from learning valuable lessons from their mistakes.Finally, get interested in the things that interest them. Parents often fall into the trap of trying to force their interests onto their kids. Sure, it’d be great to see them getting into ballet, gymnastics, or whatever you loved when you were their age, but be prepared for them to find their own thing. Whatever it is, do some research and show some interest – the connection you build will be worth it.After this season – around 18 years – comes the final and easiest season: the friendship years. There’s not much to say about this season, because there’s not much to do in it. If you’ve carefully cultivated your kids in the earlier seasons, and raised them with the relationship in mind, this is where you reap the benefits: grown children who actually want to be around you. Expect visits on weekends and phone calls just to chat.There’s a lot to take into account during the seasons of parenting. In the next sections, you’ll learn some important things to remember – no matter how old they are.

Chapter 5: Your schedule is one of the ways you can show love.

Life is generally pretty busy. There’s certainly no need to tell you that it’s busier with kids. The demands of work and other obligations are always going to be in conflict with the demands of being a parent. No matter how much you love your kids, if you’re not around for them to see it, that’s going to have an effect.For kids, time is the currency of love. It’s not enough just to love them in your heart. You also need to love them in your calendar. And at the end of the day, there’s only one person who has true control over your calendar, and that’s you.When you’re at the dinner table, on the sidelines at a football game, or in the audience at their recital, that communicates to them that they matter. When making decisions about how to plan you and your family's time, ask yourself one simple question: Is it good for your relationships?Sitting through piano lessons? Good for the relationship. A weekend away with just you and your partner? Good for the relationship – don’t forget that all relationships in the family are important for your kids’ well-being. A business trip away for the weekend? Probably not great for the relationship, avoid it if you can.Be prepared to put some of your hobbies and passions on hold during the early years. But remember, it’s just a season – the time you put in now will be rewarded later.Don’t forget that small deposits of time have a cumulative value. Your kids won’t remember any specific night that you read them a bedtime story, but they will remember that you did it every night.While work is important, remember that parts of your job can probably be done by someone else. No one else can be a parent to your children. Don’t sacrifice something that’s unique to you for something that someone else can do. Time is important.In the final section, you’ll learn about one more resource at your disposal to strengthen your relationship with your children.

Chapter 6: Choose your words carefully.

You’ve probably heard the saying: “Actions speak louder than words.” Even if this is true, don’t forget that words can be pretty loud too. And when a parent is speaking to a child, they can be deafening.The words you choose – and don’t choose – play a huge role in how your child sees the world. And it’s through your words that you successfully influence your children. At a certain point, you can’t make your child do anything – you can only influence them with words.There are three main dynamics at play every time you speak to your children.First, words don’t carry equal weight. In adults, they say it takes more than five positive comments to cancel out one negative comment, and it’s probably much more in children. Think back to your own childhood – what do you remember more easily? Negative words stick, but it’s the positive ones that help a child grow. Adjust your proportions as necessary.The second dynamic is that the source of the words determines their weight. Imagine your best friend complimenting your dress. Now imagine those same words coming from your teenage daughter. Which one means more? Beware of the relationship between you and your kids, and keep in mind not only what they’re hearing, but who it’s coming from.There’s one more dynamic. Have you ever accidentally smashed a glass? Did the fact that it wasn’t intentional magically put the pieces back together? Of course not, because intent is irrelevant. It's the same when we talk to children.If you find yourself saying things like “I was only joking,” or “I didn’t mean it like that,” what you’re actually doing is blaming the other person for not understanding you. If you say something that hurts your child, sometimes “sorry” doesn’t cover it.It’s important to allow your kids time and space to recover if you hurt them with your words. Forcing hugs or forgiveness might make you feel better about it, but it’s not what they need. Forgiveness is a gift, and you can’t ask it of them, regardless of your intent.Keep these three dynamics in mind every time you navigate any sort of communication with your kids and you can be confident that you’re getting it right.

Final Summary

All your parenting decisions should be made with the relationship in mind. As you navigate the different seasons of parenting – whether you’re disciplining, training, or coaching – make sure you plan your schedule to benefit your kids, and choose your words with care.If you focus on strengthening and maintaining healthy relationships with your children, one day you’ll reap the benefits of grown-up children who want to be with you, even when they don’t have to be.

About the Author

Andy Stanley is an author, pastor, and founder of North Point Ministries, a collection of 180 churches around the world. He lives in Atlanta with his wife, Sally, and has three grown children.

Sally Stanley has a master of arts from Dallas Theological Seminary and is involved in the foster care initiative at North Point Ministries. Along with her husband Andy, she’s been a foster parent since 2010.