How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids
Strategies for Staying Together as Your Family Expands
By Jancee Dunn
Category: Sex & Relationships | Reading Duration: 17 min | Rating: 4.1/5 (14 ratings)
About the Book
How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids (2017) explores the strain that parenthood places on modern marriages, especially the imbalance of domestic labor and emotional load. It weaves together personal anecdotes, expert advice, and ample humor to offer practical strategies for better navigating marital conflict and resentment.
Who Should Read This?
- New parents navigating their “new” relationship
- Expecting parents preparing for the changes ahead
- Therapists or counselors supporting young families
What’s in it for me? Learn how to stay together – and even grow closer – after kids.
Here’s something your go-to parenting guide probably didn’t mention: the person you might clash with most after having a baby isn’t your child – it’s your partner. One day, you’re bickering over someone leaving the toilet seat up again; the next, you’re wondering how you ended up feeling more like conflict-prone coworkers than a connected couple. Even the strongest, most loving relationships can take a hit when a baby enters the scene. And for many people, that shift can feel alarming, devastating, and maddening all at once.The truth is, parenthood doesn’t just add responsibilities – it completely upends life as you knew it. Suddenly, everything’s up for debate: chores, resources, even the subtext of your spouse’s sentences. With more arguments, less connection, and ever-present internal tally charts, it’s no wonder resentment can grow and intimacy can fade.But experiencing these dynamics doesn’t mean you’re doomed. With a little self-awareness, a lot of honesty, and some simple – although not always easy – strategies, you can reconnect as both parents and partners.In this Blink, you’ll learn how to navigate the most common relationship stressors after kids arrive: communication breakdowns, dividing chores, a universe of financial tension, and a void of sexual tension.Take heart – things can get better, so let’s get started.
Chapter 1: But if you do, know you’re not alone
It can feel utterly jarring – going from a happy couple to imperfect strangers once a baby enters the picture. Your once easy rapport is suddenly a distant memory, and your effortless routine – you pick up the groceries, he takes out the trash – is now a battlefield.First things first: if you feel this way, know you’re not alone. Research shows that nearly seventy percent of couples say their relationship took a hit after having a child, and almost half of new moms surveyed said their partner caused them more stress than their kids did.One major reason? The invisible additional workload that often lands squarely on mothers’ shoulders. Beyond obvious tasks like cooking and cleaning, there’s an entire layer of unspoken labor: remembering your kid’s friends’ birthdays, organizing holiday weekends, buying endless school and sports supplies. You’re constantly on duty and always on call. And it’s rarely acknowledged, let alone shared.Instead, in many homes, a pattern sets in where one partner – traditionally the woman – petitions for change, and the other – traditionally the man – shuts down. There can be many deep-rooted reasons for this, including shame or feelings of incompetence. But it’s also true that new dads may believe they have little to gain by pitching in. Social expectations are different, too, and so is what each partner notices or feels responsible for. For many women, keeping the house and kids in order is still tightly tied to self-worth. So when things fall through the cracks, the disappointment can cut deeper.If it’s any consolation, some researchers think these differences are evolutionary. For instance, sleep studies show that women are more likely to wake to a baby’s cry, while men are more likely to wake to loud noises like a fire alarm. Possibly, mothers are wired to stay alert to threats to their immediate circle, and fathers to be on guard for threats to the wider tribe. Regardless, that wiring isn’t fixed. Research also shows anyone can grow the mental muscles for caregiving if they’re given the chance – and the expectation – to show up.Let’s not beat around the bush: there’s no returning the toothpaste to the tube. Life won’t go back to the way it was before kids. But acknowledging that is the critical first step to building something even stronger and more connected with your husband than before.
Chapter 2: Address communication
If there’s one thing that wrecks relationships faster than sleep deprivation and a screaming toddler, it’s poor communication. Almost every argument between partners – especially after kids – stems from misunderstandings, unvoiced expectations, or conversations that quickly spiral into finger-pointing contests. So, let’s start with this lead domino: how you talk to each other.Relationship experts often split couples into two camps: the masters, who look for what their partner is doing right, and the disasters, who focus on what their partner is doing wrong. That mindset shapes everything – most significantly, how you fight.Certain behaviors are especially damaging. Criticism is a big one, particularly when it’s sweeping or personal. For example, “You always x” or “You’re such a y!”. Then there’s defensiveness, which just keeps blame ping-ponging between you. Stonewalling is when one partner shuts down entirely, creating an energy-sapping game of chase and retreat. But the worst offender? Contempt. Sarcasm, eye-rolling, and close-to-the-bone character attacks don’t just hurt – they erode the very foundation of respect your relationship needs to survive.So, what’s the antidote? Start slow and steady. Instead of reverting to one of these damaging behaviors, begin with a simple “I” statement: say how you feel, describe what’s going on, and explain what you need. “I feel irritable when the house gets this chaotic” is a massive improvement on “You never help!”. Then, talk it through. What can you agree on? Where can you give a little?If things are just too heated, hitting pause is a valid and wise move. It takes about thirty minutes for your body to reset after a fight, so give yourselves that time, then try again with calmer nervous systems.And if you happen to blow up in front of the kids, it’s okay. You haven’t destined them for a life of weekly therapy. Seeing parents disagree – and then lovingly repair – can teach children that healthy conflict is a part of healthy relationships. What does cause harm is pervasive tension, incessant bickering, and problems that never get resolved.Above all, commit to a non-negotiable standard of decency. No put-downs, no mocking, no low blows. For extra points, carve out ten minutes every day to talk about something – anything – other than the kids, your schedules, or lingering chores. That connection matters. Because, as it helps to remember, it’ll just be the two of you again one day.
Chapter 3: Address chores
No one has likely fallen in love over a dishwasher. But someone’s very likely fallen out over one.Still, even when you’re drowning in laundry, stepping on Legos, and silently fuming about who didn’t do what, it’s easy to think chores are just a nuisance. But how housework gets divided actually says a lot about a relationship. Studies have found that when men do their share at home, their partners are happier, arguments are fewer, and relationships last longer. The benefits even extend to kids, who have fewer behavioral issues and tend to do better in school when dads pitch in.The root issue isn’t the dishwasher but what the dishwasher represents: respect and shared responsibility. So, let’s stop framing it as one partner “helping” the other. You’re both parenting; you’re both living under the same roof. Sharing the load is the price of admission.But if your current setup isn’t working, it’s time for an intentional conversation. Be kind but direct. Spell out what you need, clearly and confidently, just like you would in any other team setting. Men are often open to stepping up – they just need clarity. You could try: “Here’s what needs to happen this weekend. Which of these can you take on?” Letting people choose tasks can help increase their buy-in. Dividing chores by preference can also make things more sustainable.Once your roles are settled, try to set them on autopilot. The fewer unassigned or ambiguous tasks you have to debate, the more bandwidth you both gain back.Another powerful strategy? Leave the house. Literally. Let your partner solo-parent for a full day now and then. Doing so builds their appreciation for you and breaks your internal narrative that you’re the only capable one.And don’t forget the kids. They can – and should – contribute, starting much earlier than most people think. Chores build competence and foster a sense of belonging. Even a three-year-old can clear toys off the floor or carry their plate to the sink. The key is to keep directions short, simple, and specific. Sometimes, a single word can do the trick: “Toys.” “Plate.” “Toothbrush.”Relatedly, unbundle your kids’ chores and allowance. Chores teach contribution; money teaches budgeting. Both matter, but they’re less effective if packaged together.Shared work reflects a shared life, so prioritize these conversations, and you’ll go a long way toward getting your partnership back on track.
Chapter 4: Address money
As you may have discovered first-hand, money is rarely about numbers but emotions, values, and power. And once kids enter the fray, the pressure to provide ramps up fast. Between yet another new size of clothes, seemingly endless doctor visits, and a calendar full of birthday parties, it’s easy to feel like any budget you once had is under siege – and your relationship right along with it.Research shows that couples who argue about money early on are more likely to split later, no matter how much they earn. Why? Precisely because money conversations tend to reveal something deeper: our beliefs, priorities, and unspoken fears. In fact, psychologists have identified four common patterns, or “scripts,” that shape how people deal with money. Some avoid it as far as possible. Others believe more of it will solve everything. Some tie their self-worth to their financial status, while others are so cautious they deprive themselves out of anxiety. Understanding your and your partner’s money mindset can help you start shifting emotionally charged debates into more compassionate problem-solving exercises.Unsurprisingly, power dynamics can play a big role, too. When one partner earns more or controls the finances, resentment often creeps in. This is especially true for stay-at-home moms who have to ask for money – despite their overtime hours of unpaid labor around the house. A healthier setup gives both partners an equal say, regardless of who brings in the bigger – or only – paycheck. For instance, after the bills have been paid, you could each be allocated a sum of no-strings-attached spending money. Another game-changer is equal involvement. Even if one of you is naturally better with budgets and spreadsheets, it’s essential that you’re both engaged in the money-management process. “I’m not good with numbers” isn’t a free pass; it’s an excuse that creates stress and imbalance. So, just like with chores, expect and commit to sharing the load. Transparency matters here, too. You should both be able to access any of your financial information at any time. No secrecy. And while your kids don’t need to know the details of your salary package, they’ll benefit from seeing family finances navigated with consistency and care: mail opened as it arrives, bills paid on time, and accounts checked regularly.Ultimately, money will always be a factor in relationships, but it doesn’t have to be a fight. With some self-awareness, shared responsibility, and a loose structure, it can actually become one of the most effective ways to grow stronger together.
Chapter 5: Address sex
Of course, no conversation about parenthood would be complete without mention of sex. Sex after kids isn’t just elusive – it can feel downright unfathomable. Between sleepless nights, omnipresent stress, hormone swings, and the energy required to flip from “mom” to “seductress,” intimacy often drops to the bottom of the list. Add body image issues, postpartum recovery, and sheer exhaustion into the mix, and it’s honestly a miracle that any new parents find their way back to the bedroom. For anything other than passing out, that is.Still, experts suggest it’s worth making the effort, even if it doesn’t start with the fireworks feeling you once had. Sex helps release endorphins and oxytocin, the hormones that boost mood, connection, and trust – precisely what you need more of. The takeaway? You don’t always need to wait until you feel “ready.” Sometimes, you get there by starting.That said, it can help to take the pressure completely off. Try making out for 10 minutes with no expectations, no agenda – just a chance to reconnect. Similarly, you can focus on small, everyday gestures: more eye contact here, a gentle touch on the back there, cuddling while watching TV. These tiny moments can help rebuild the bridge to physical closeness.It also mightn’t hurt to inform your significant other that sharing the load in the dining room can pay dividends in the bedroom. Studies show that couples who divide chores more evenly tend to report better and more frequent sex. Let’s face it: it’s hard to feel turned on when you’re the only one scrubbing toilets or cleaning bathroom drains. Finally, don’t forget that time together matters just as much as physical touch. Couples who carve out weekly “us” time are far more likely to describe their relationships as happy and healthy. That doesn’t have to mean an expensive night out. You can put the kids in front of a movie, pour a glass of wine, and have a quiet dinner in the next room. Or why not trade playdates with a trusted family every other weekend to buy yourselves a few precious hours alone? And at least every month or two, see if you can plan one night with no curfew where you can laugh, dance, maybe even get a little wild – do anything but talk about the kids.Sex might not ever look as it did pre-parenthood, but the spark doesn’t have to fade. Like your relationship, it just needs time, attention, and a little creativity to come back to life.
Final summary
In this Blink to How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids by Jancee Dunn, you’ve learned that having kids changes everything – including your relationship. Even couples who felt solid before often find themselves feeling shaky after. But feeling shaky doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It just means things have shifted. The good news? It’s possible to shift with them.At the heart of it all is learning to see each other anew. To talk honestly, share the load, and show up as teammates. Resentment will fade when you both feel valued. Intimacy will grow when affection is restored in your exchanges.You probably don’t need a total overhaul. Small, thoughtful changes in how you communicate, divide responsibilities, and spend your resources can bring things to a happy equilibrium. You won’t return to who you were pre-kids, and that’s okay. You’re building something new together. And with a little effort, it can be stronger, kinder, and more connected than before.Okay, that’s it for this Blink. We hope you enjoyed it. If you can, please take the time to leave us a rating – we always appreciate your feedback. See you in the next Blink!
About the Author
Jancee Dunn is a journalist and best-selling author known for her ability to combine candid, humorous, personal storytelling with research-backed insight. Dunn formerly wrote for Rolling Stone and currently writes The New York Times' Well column. Her previous books include Hot and Bothered, Why Is My Mother Getting a Tattoo?, and But Enough About Me.