Drama Free
A Guide to Managing Unhealthy Family Relationships
By Nedra Glover Tawwab
Category: Psychology | Reading Duration: 17 min | Rating: 4.3/5 (111 ratings)
About the Book
Drama Free (2023) is a concise and thoughtful guide to navigating the negatives of one of the most fundamental and unavoidable aspects of our lives: family. Covering a wide range of topics including emotionally absent parents, codependent siblings, substance abuse, and many more, it offers advice on recognizing the patterns of a dysfunctional family, healing from the past, and growing into the full human being you deserve to be.
Who Should Read This?
- Adult children or siblings looking to untangle their current family relationships
- Emotionally troubled individuals who are prepared to analyze their childhood
- Anyone who tenses up when a family member calls
What’s in it for me? Decide what you want from your relationships, and be the change you need in your family.
There are a lot of things we can control: where we work, who we hang out with, and how we spend our free time, just to name a few. Unfortunately, one of the things we can’t control is also the thing that can have the most significant influence in our lives – family. Most of us spend our first 18 to 21 years of life at home, surrounded by family. Whether you’re the only child of a single mother, or the youngest in a family of six, you most likely spent your formative years attached to the same group of people – either physically or mentally.
For this reason, family relationships are among the most common and complicated types of unhealthy relationships. A dysfunctional family can take many forms. It could be emotional neglect, codependency, or perhaps physical or verbal abuse. The consequences can be far-reaching, affecting how you form relationships outside of your family – and eventually how you go on to raise your own children.
In this Blink, you’ll learn the knowledge, skills, and language necessary to reclaim your voice in a dysfunctional family. Each section will start with a short story to introduce and inform practical advice that you can apply to your own life. Whether you’re looking to recover from a troubled childhood or mend and maintain your adult relationships with your parents or siblings, it’s never too late to learn and grow into the person you deserve to be.
Chapter 1: You can’t make somebody else change.
Meet Kelly and her troublesome brother, Jeff. Jeff has always been an entitled and manipulative bully, cruel with his words. Their other two siblings have already cut Jeff out of their lives, but Kelly can't. They were always close, and the thought of ending their relationship fills her with guilt.
If you’ve ever had to suffer through a family member's difficult or abusive behavior, then you may relate to Kelly’s struggle. You tell yourself you’re being patient or growing – that it’s just something you have to “deal with. ” But it’s more likely you’re trying to tolerate the intolerable, which builds resentment, not patience. Something has to change. Now, here’s a theme that will come up throughout this Blink, because it is absolutely, unequivocally true. You can’t, in any meaningful way, make somebody else change.
With that in mind, you have two options: you can persevere, or you can change yourself. If you’re reading this Blink, then you’ve probably been persevering for too long. So let’s look at how to change. Changing a long-standing pattern of behavior isn’t simple, so we’ll break it down into five basic stages. First, there’s precontemplation. Here, you’re not even aware of the problem; you make excuses or unconsciously hide any evidence of it.
After that is the contemplation stage. This is where Kelly is with her brother. It’s when you start to consider the value of changing. This often comes with guilt, which is completely normal. This is the most common time to enter therapy and talk through the problems. Next is preparation.
You’ll start experimenting with small changes – testing the water to see what’s possible. Kelly might tell her brother that what he said wasn’t OK. It doesn’t have to be consistent or successful, but you’re getting ready for the next stage: action. In this phase, you accept the responsibility of changing and start doing what’s necessary. We’ll look at some more specific actions later – but basically, you’ll no longer adopt the attitude of a victim. You’ll need support during this time to process your feelings and stick to your decisions as you enter the final stage: maintenance.
This stage is ongoing. You repeat your new actions until they’re habits – and resist the temptation to slide back to how things were. No matter what stage you’re at, remember one thing: you’re an adult, and you get to decide who you are as a person. So ask yourself now, who do you want to be? Think about a dysfunctional relationship you have with a family member, and make some notes about what stage of change you’re at. Because that’s how change starts.
Chapter 2: Sticking around when people won’t change
Tiffany’s mother is not good with money. After a childhood spent being evicted for unpaid bills, adult Tiffany regularly finds herself bailing out her mom whenever she runs into financial trouble; she sends her money or gives her a place to stay when she can’t afford rent. Tiffany loves her mother … but it’s starting to be too much. First off, it’s important to realize that in a situation like this, two things can be true: you’re allowed to be upset and hurt by a family member’s behavior, and still love them.
So, if you accept that you can’t change someone else, what are your options here? Look at what you can change: yourself. You can’t make your neighbor mow their lawn, but you can still keep your side of the street in order. It’s all about acceptance. This doesn’t mean you have to put up with whatever a person is doing to you, but you can choose how you handle what you can’t change in others. The first thing you can change is your beliefs about the other person’s abilities.
Do you want to know a secret about all parents? They’re just people … with kids. Having a child doesn’t magically make you more responsible, wiser, or – in the case of Tiffany’s mother – better with money. This shift in perspective can make a dysfunctional relationship more manageable. Another thing you can change is your expectations. Expectations should be based on the individual, not their role in your life.
Make a statement about what you can expect from the person. For Tiffany, this might sound like, “My mother is not good at managing her money. ” Finally, you can change your conversations with the person. If you stay silent to keep the other person happy, nothing is going to get better. You need to have tough conversations, and you need to set boundaries. Tiffany can clearly define how much she wants to help her mother, and what she expects from her.
She can also let her mother know when those boundaries are crossed. Throughout all this, don’t forget that distance can be a healthy coping mechanism. Taking space from a relationship doesn’t mean you’re abandoning it. These are just some of the ways you can protect yourself in a dysfunctional family relationship while still maintaining the connection. In the next section, you’ll learn what to do when even that connection has to go.
Chapter 3: Leaving when people won’t change
Jacob never had a good relationship with his father, Bruce. Though undiagnosed, Bruce had a lot of symptoms of mental illness – he was paranoid, agitated, and often verbally aggressive. This created a huge strain on the relationship. Jacob tried everything – changing himself, trying to accept the situation, suggesting therapy – but nothing stuck.
He knew he had to end the relationship with his dad. The only question was, “How? ” Making the decision to cut ties with a family member isn’t easy, especially when mental illness is involved. It’s common for things like anxiety, depression, or personality disorders to go ignored and untreated among family members – major problems are often dismissed by saying, “That’s just who they are. ” And even when treated, the situation doesn’t always improve. Even with all the love and patience in the world, you can’t control how a family member handles their mental health issues.
You can, however, take care of yourself. Just because they’re family doesn’t mean they can get away with mistreating you – under any circumstances. Sometimes, the only option is estrangement. This isn’t something to decide lightly. But usually, the seeds have been there for many years. It could be a result of issues since childhood, resentments over divorce, arguments about money, differences in values; the list goes on.
We live in a society that emphasizes the importance of family above all else, so the decision for estrangement is usually followed by intense guilt. People might assume that the person is heartless, when in reality they are just hurt and exhausted. Remember, it’s not up to anyone else to decide how much suffering you can or should put up with. Feeling guilty doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong. Sometimes, a healthy choice can hurt someone else. A lot of people experience survivor’s guilt when they leave an abusive parent, but their sibling is unable or unwilling to do the same.
While this is painful, just remember that it might be more valuable for you to build a healthy life for yourself, then invite the sibling in later. But be careful if you find yourself waiting for an apology from the family member you’re leaving. It may never come, and there may be no room for forgiveness within the relationship. So what you can do is forgive yourself.
Show yourself compassion for making a tough decision that’ll help you move forward in life. On that note, take a moment to reflect on the nature of forgiveness. What things are, to you, truly unforgivable? Let your answer guide you in your decision to leave a dysfunctional family relationship.
Chapter 4: Building support outside of your family
Dan didn’t see much of his dad growing up. His older siblings moved out when he was young, so he didn’t have them around either. While his mom worked, he stayed with his neighbors, the Reddings, and their two kids. As Dan got older, the Reddings remained an important part of his life – they attended his graduation and went on vacation with him and his mother.
These days, Dan is grown with his own children, but Mr. and Mrs. Redding are like grandparents to them. In many meaningful ways, the Reddings are more like family than Dan’s own father and siblings. You see, family is a lot more than blood. It’s the people who are close to you – who you know and love and feel safe around.
If your biological family can’t give you what you need, it’s possible, and even recommended, that you look for that support elsewhere. Just because someone is a mother doesn’t mean they’re nurturing. Siblings aren’t always supportive and loyal. There’s no reason that a close friend can’t fulfill those roles. “Because they’re family” isn’t a good enough reason to keep a relationship. Maybe you know someone who lives in a dysfunctional family.
Think about what you can offer them that they can’t get at home. Listen to them, and give them the space to share without judging or minimizing their experience. What if you gave yourself that same support? If you listen to yourself, trust yourself, take care of yourself and your needs, you can give yourself what you can’t get from your family. In short, try becoming what you wish your family was. This can improve your confidence in yourself – and break the cycle of dysfunction for your future children.
But you can’t do it alone. Like with Dan and the Reddings, it’s important to build a community outside of your home. This doesn’t mean trusting everyone blindly, but you’re going to have to learn to trust someone. Keep an eye out for people you truly feel safe being vulnerable around. You’ll know it when you see it – you’ll feel heard talking to them, they’ll show genuine interest in your story, and they will consistently be there for you. And then maintain these relationships.
Stay in contact. Not every relationship will work out, but you’ll eventually find yourself developing a support network that’s completely separate from your family. Take a moment to consider your current relationships with friends, neighbors, or coworkers. Is there anybody who you trust more than your family members? What can you do to continue fostering this connection?
Chapter 5: Troubleshooting your family relationships
The stories of dysfunctional families are as varied as they are complicated. There’s Anthony, struggling to reconnect with his father who entered his life after years of absence. There’s Sierra, who resents the brother her parents seemed to favor. There’s Avery, whose family descends into arguments over a deceased grandfather’s unfair will.
It’s hard to offer one-size-fits-all advice for these kinds of situations, but there are some tendencies specific to different family roles. In this final section, you’ll learn some ways to troubleshoot relationships with different family members. Parents are a tough one – they’re usually the first people you form a relationship with, and can cause the most damage. If you find yourself angry at your parents for whatever reason, it can help to look at them as just people. Make statements using their actual name. If your parents’ names are Alan and Linda, for example, ask, “What’s Alan’s story?
” or “Why did Linda decide to do that? ” They are human, and humans are flawed. Try to understand them, and then focus on the parts of the relationship you can control. Sibling relationships are another common source of dysfunction. These are often shaped by the parents – maybe they chose sides, or didn’t give enough individual attention. It’s common for an older sibling to be left with the responsibility of “parenting” the younger one.
This can lead to resentment and unhealthy sibling dynamics. In cases like this, it can be helpful to be open about your experiences. Unpack that resentment, and talk about any roles that may have been forced upon you. One sibling might have been suffering in a way that the other wasn’t aware of. What if the problem is between you and your child? First off, it’s your children who are going to decide how good you were as a parent.
It can be hard to admit it, but do some soul-searching, and try to discover if you’re at all responsible for the damaged relationship. It can be a matter of perspective: you might think you were a hardworking single mother, but from their side, you were hardly ever there. Try to be the parent that your child needs at this stage in their life. Maybe this means being less hands-on, or changing the way you support their lifestyle. Remember, there is no such thing as a perfect parent – and you’re no exception. Forgive yourself any mistakes, and work on growing as a person.
Whatever the family relationship, a little patience and understanding can go a long way toward setting things on the right track. You can’t make somebody else change in a dysfunctional relationship. But you can change yourself.
Final Summary
The traumas we carry from childhood can be overwhelming, and the relationships we hold with our parents, siblings, or other relatives are unique and complex. Finding the courage to recognize and address these relationship problems can be both liberating and terrifying – but it’s one of the most important forms of self-care that you can undertake.
Whether you’re setting or redefining boundaries, or considering ending contact with a problematic family member, never forget that you are an adult: you can choose your relationships and how you live your life. Just because you didn’t learn something in childhood doesn’t mean it’s too late. Be the change you never saw in your family, and take control of your life today.
About the Author
Nedra Glover Tawwab is a therapist and relationship expert who specializes in helping people become themselves by establishing healthy boundaries. Her previous book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace, was a New York Times best seller.